Amelia

So I screwed up big-time. Earlier this fall I missed a major fellowship deadline after trying to throw things together (including recommendations) at the last minute. I said I wouldn't do that again especially for the two applications due in November. I set myself early internal deadlines and collected all my paperwork.

And then proceeded to not finish anything and ignore all my deadlines.

I hate, hate, hate writing applications. They make me feel insecure about myself and I worry about getting hopeful about receiving something and then being disappointed even though I know fellowships are like acting jobs. You just prepare as best you can then it's a numbers game, and you just have to keep trying until you get something. I know it's not personal but it feels really personal.

So I knew I had to scramble this weekend to get things in. I was late but not crazy late.

Until Saturday night when I remembered the third fellowship. This was one that the department had nominated me for. Originally i had asked to be nominated for one that had a due date in December. Instead they nominated me for another one and when I looked at the paperwork it said November 15th, but my brain read December 15th. The "oh shit" moment was profound.

This is a particularly evil application with lots of different parts including a two page autobiography. Even the collating is evil, you have to have 12 identical packets, each with your 6 essays (all with precise word counts), recommendations, bibliography, transcripts from all graduate and undergraduate institutions (through some miracle I found an official Dartmouth transcript in my files), etc.

Anyway so I had to send out a last minute plea to my recommenders, including my adviser whose recommendation is required and who is out of town on sabatical this year.

He totally saved me, providing massive amounts of moral support on email and the phone and editing (he said leave the curling and trapeze in the autobiography). He is also writing me two three recommendations this morning, and is sending me detailed updates about what is happening in the form of: 9.30 finished recommendation X working on recommendation Y, 10:02 going to post office to mail sterling recommendations X and Y. 10.35 back from post office X is in the mail to you but it's a national holiday tomorrow. (Ah, foiled by a national holiday. And I have to work tomorrow.) 11:02 submitted terrific application Z letter electronically.

I heart him. I know I've gushed here before, but Best Adviser Ever! I'm so so glad I chose the program I did because of him.

I'm almost over the embarrassment of screwing up and having to grovel. (Also massive appreciation for recommender no. 2 who sent out a reminder about the application which did not penetrate my brain and is writing for me this week, and for fantastic Harvard prof. who I do not know at all, but who taught a friend of mine and who is doing me a quicky language evaulation this week. Language evaluation over the phone when I haven't been in Croatia in over a year = complete disaster, but at least the form will be filled out.)

My summer class ended yesterday :( They were such a great group. We met 5 days a week for 6 weeks I'm going to miss seeing them. The final was a little rough for some of them, but the final grades came out okay (I turned them in last night.) They said some really nice things on their way out of class :)

I have something closely resembling a syllabus for my Weimar seminar, woo! The bibliography is so overwhelming I ended up borrowing a bunch of articles from the syllabus when I took the class at Williams. We'll see how it goes.

Today I went to the library to gather books for regular and electronic reserves. I'm way past the deadline for fall semester so I felt nervous about just submitting it electronically and ending up in the library's queue (they need the books by Wednesday.) Although I know that profs are late all the time I'm still too neurotic. The (older, male) librarian was surprised and amused that I was pulling the books myself. When I asked if I could put things on reserve he said "for who?". Yes, I still look like a graduate student :)

I really love the idea of electronic reserves. They do the scanning for me! I really hope once I see the scans I'm still just as excited. There are still a few things that I'm just putting on regular(?) manual(?) plain old book reserves because I want them to look at the pictures in color.

My modern class is coming along as well. I'm about half-way through reworking the syllabus of the guy who taught the class before me. It helps to have a place to start.

Now I just need to put together a lecture for the Modern class and some sort of opening remarks for the Weimar seminar. (Oh and everything for my UMD freshman connections class, but that doesn't start for a week and a half so I'm not there yet.)