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I haven't written in a few days because I've been doing nothing, glorious nothing since I handed in my last paper on Monday. Well Christmas shopping and cleaning and stuff like that, but that doesn't really count. Denis now has no time off because he is working Best Buy during the day, the restaurant at night, and he got an unpaid computor internship for his (few) days off. The internship place says that he has lots of potential, but no experience. They don't want to hire him, train him and have him leave, but they will train him without paying him. At least it should be helpful for getting a real job even if it sucks not to get paid. So he's so tired all the time. We've been looking for a time to go see Lord of the Rings, but he doesn't have any 3 hour blocks free. Maybe Christmas Eve if the theater is open.
Our wedding pictures came a few days ago (finally). The album and the enlargements are beautiful. I'm so appreciative that my parents spend so much money on the photographer because they really came out well. He even did a few extra enlargements that we didn't ask for (he didn't charge us) because they added to the album, and they really look nice.
Ironically the day the album came I was watching Oprah (I said I've been doing nothing) and the show was all about misconceptions about marriage. They focused on common things that people don't talk about. 1. 90% of brides get depressed (mostly mild to moderate) either during their engagement or right after the wedding. 2. The first year is not blissful, it is hell. This is often because couples focus so much on the wedding day and not on the marriage.
We didn't reallly deal so much with #2, we'd already been living together for so long, when I saw him in a bathrobe and black socks playing computer games I wasn't shocked and surprised and like "the romance in gone!". Or my favorite was the women who said "I really thought he'd change after the wedding and I wouldn't have to ask him to help with the housework or take out the trash" then her husband said "I thought it was just like when we were dating and I could just sit down and watch the game and she'd just cook dinner". They kept using the words Prince Charming and fairytale and Oprah kept saying "you know that's just a story right?" People also said that they were shocked that they would fight with their spouse after the wedding. They thought that they'd never disagree (I'm thinking, are you kidding me?) Ok, enough making fun of deluded people.
But #1 was great to hear about. Aparantly most women need adjust to getting married, giving up their perception of themselves as single, and becoming someone's "wife" (I still kind of hate that word). So it's really common to cry and get really upset and think "why did I get married, I'm too young to do this" (ok that last part might be me, I really am young to do this). Many women have panick attacks, I did more of the crying and fussing and instigating of fights. And it's really confusing for your fiance/husband because it's not really about your relationship it's just about such a major shift in your identity. And all those evil societal things about what a "wife" should be that have creeped into your subconscious for so many years come out when you get married and it's really weird and I feel guilty, and guilty about feeling guilty because I shouldn't feel guilty. And then I feel fucked up because I should know better about feeling guilty.
No one ever tells you about this, that it's common to feel this way. There are definetly times pre and post wedding where people say "oh you just got married you must be so thrilled" and you're thinking "no he's driving me crazy and we have no money and I can't believe I just committed myself to this, what are you talking about" and you just smile and try to put on that look like "we're having sex 8 times a day even though it's 100 degrees in our apartment and we haven't spoken to anyone but each other in 6 weeks"
Anway, it's nice to know I'm not crazy. We've been married 6 months now, so I'm pretty much over the bridal thing. Thank goodness for graduate school! Social activities! (Oh my other favorite fact, was that when people used to get married it was only for around 15 years because mortality rates were so high it someone would die. 15 years is a whole lot different from 60 years with someone). Just wanted to share my talk-show moment of comfort. I have another rant about babies, but that will have to wait for another day. My advice is don't get married until you're 30.
Ironically the day the album came I was watching Oprah (I said I've been doing nothing) and the show was all about misconceptions about marriage. They focused on common things that people don't talk about. 1. 90% of brides get depressed (mostly mild to moderate) either during their engagement or right after the wedding. 2. The first year is not blissful, it is hell. This is often because couples focus so much on the wedding day and not on the marriage.
We didn't reallly deal so much with #2, we'd already been living together for so long, when I saw him in a bathrobe and black socks playing computer games I wasn't shocked and surprised and like "the romance in gone!". Or my favorite was the women who said "I really thought he'd change after the wedding and I wouldn't have to ask him to help with the housework or take out the trash" then her husband said "I thought it was just like when we were dating and I could just sit down and watch the game and she'd just cook dinner". They kept using the words Prince Charming and fairytale and Oprah kept saying "you know that's just a story right?" People also said that they were shocked that they would fight with their spouse after the wedding. They thought that they'd never disagree (I'm thinking, are you kidding me?) Ok, enough making fun of deluded people.
But #1 was great to hear about. Aparantly most women need adjust to getting married, giving up their perception of themselves as single, and becoming someone's "wife" (I still kind of hate that word). So it's really common to cry and get really upset and think "why did I get married, I'm too young to do this" (ok that last part might be me, I really am young to do this). Many women have panick attacks, I did more of the crying and fussing and instigating of fights. And it's really confusing for your fiance/husband because it's not really about your relationship it's just about such a major shift in your identity. And all those evil societal things about what a "wife" should be that have creeped into your subconscious for so many years come out when you get married and it's really weird and I feel guilty, and guilty about feeling guilty because I shouldn't feel guilty. And then I feel fucked up because I should know better about feeling guilty.
No one ever tells you about this, that it's common to feel this way. There are definetly times pre and post wedding where people say "oh you just got married you must be so thrilled" and you're thinking "no he's driving me crazy and we have no money and I can't believe I just committed myself to this, what are you talking about" and you just smile and try to put on that look like "we're having sex 8 times a day even though it's 100 degrees in our apartment and we haven't spoken to anyone but each other in 6 weeks"
Anway, it's nice to know I'm not crazy. We've been married 6 months now, so I'm pretty much over the bridal thing. Thank goodness for graduate school! Social activities! (Oh my other favorite fact, was that when people used to get married it was only for around 15 years because mortality rates were so high it someone would die. 15 years is a whole lot different from 60 years with someone). Just wanted to share my talk-show moment of comfort. I have another rant about babies, but that will have to wait for another day. My advice is don't get married until you're 30.
I don't want to give the impression that I'm unhappy in my marriage or that I regret getting married. I'm very happy and I love my husband very much (of course that only gets you so far, just because you love someone doesn't mean it's a good idea to marry them, but regardless I do love him and anticipate loving him for many years), and he's amazing and supportive and patient and wonderful and is working very hard for us and for me, so I can go to school. But just because you're in love with and committed to someone doesn't mean they don't irritate you at (sometimes frequent) times. (The idea was brought up that you're only attracted to people who do push all your buttons because it's some sort of karmic way to force you to work through all your shit.) Ok, my disclaimer is getting off track, but I am happy (even if we're not having sex 8 times a day).
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