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Our wedding pictures came a few days ago (finally). The album and the enlargements are beautiful. I'm so appreciative that my parents spend so much money on the photographer because they really came out well. He even did a few extra enlargements that we didn't ask for (he didn't charge us) because they added to the album, and they really look nice.
Ironically the day the album came I was watching Oprah (I said I've been doing nothing) and the show was all about misconceptions about marriage. They focused on common things that people don't talk about. 1. 90% of brides get depressed (mostly mild to moderate) either during their engagement or right after the wedding. 2. The first year is not blissful, it is hell. This is often because couples focus so much on the wedding day and not on the marriage.
We didn't reallly deal so much with #2, we'd already been living together for so long, when I saw him in a bathrobe and black socks playing computer games I wasn't shocked and surprised and like "the romance in gone!". Or my favorite was the women who said "I really thought he'd change after the wedding and I wouldn't have to ask him to help with the housework or take out the trash" then her husband said "I thought it was just like when we were dating and I could just sit down and watch the game and she'd just cook dinner". They kept using the words Prince Charming and fairytale and Oprah kept saying "you know that's just a story right?" People also said that they were shocked that they would fight with their spouse after the wedding. They thought that they'd never disagree (I'm thinking, are you kidding me?) Ok, enough making fun of deluded people.
But #1 was great to hear about. Aparantly most women need adjust to getting married, giving up their perception of themselves as single, and becoming someone's "wife" (I still kind of hate that word). So it's really common to cry and get really upset and think "why did I get married, I'm too young to do this" (ok that last part might be me, I really am young to do this). Many women have panick attacks, I did more of the crying and fussing and instigating of fights. And it's really confusing for your fiance/husband because it's not really about your relationship it's just about such a major shift in your identity. And all those evil societal things about what a "wife" should be that have creeped into your subconscious for so many years come out when you get married and it's really weird and I feel guilty, and guilty about feeling guilty because I shouldn't feel guilty. And then I feel fucked up because I should know better about feeling guilty.
No one ever tells you about this, that it's common to feel this way. There are definetly times pre and post wedding where people say "oh you just got married you must be so thrilled" and you're thinking "no he's driving me crazy and we have no money and I can't believe I just committed myself to this, what are you talking about" and you just smile and try to put on that look like "we're having sex 8 times a day even though it's 100 degrees in our apartment and we haven't spoken to anyone but each other in 6 weeks"
Anway, it's nice to know I'm not crazy. We've been married 6 months now, so I'm pretty much over the bridal thing. Thank goodness for graduate school! Social activities! (Oh my other favorite fact, was that when people used to get married it was only for around 15 years because mortality rates were so high it someone would die. 15 years is a whole lot different from 60 years with someone). Just wanted to share my talk-show moment of comfort. I have another rant about babies, but that will have to wait for another day. My advice is don't get married until you're 30.
Ironically the day the album came I was watching Oprah (I said I've been doing nothing) and the show was all about misconceptions about marriage. They focused on common things that people don't talk about. 1. 90% of brides get depressed (mostly mild to moderate) either during their engagement or right after the wedding. 2. The first year is not blissful, it is hell. This is often because couples focus so much on the wedding day and not on the marriage.
We didn't reallly deal so much with #2, we'd already been living together for so long, when I saw him in a bathrobe and black socks playing computer games I wasn't shocked and surprised and like "the romance in gone!". Or my favorite was the women who said "I really thought he'd change after the wedding and I wouldn't have to ask him to help with the housework or take out the trash" then her husband said "I thought it was just like when we were dating and I could just sit down and watch the game and she'd just cook dinner". They kept using the words Prince Charming and fairytale and Oprah kept saying "you know that's just a story right?" People also said that they were shocked that they would fight with their spouse after the wedding. They thought that they'd never disagree (I'm thinking, are you kidding me?) Ok, enough making fun of deluded people.
But #1 was great to hear about. Aparantly most women need adjust to getting married, giving up their perception of themselves as single, and becoming someone's "wife" (I still kind of hate that word). So it's really common to cry and get really upset and think "why did I get married, I'm too young to do this" (ok that last part might be me, I really am young to do this). Many women have panick attacks, I did more of the crying and fussing and instigating of fights. And it's really confusing for your fiance/husband because it's not really about your relationship it's just about such a major shift in your identity. And all those evil societal things about what a "wife" should be that have creeped into your subconscious for so many years come out when you get married and it's really weird and I feel guilty, and guilty about feeling guilty because I shouldn't feel guilty. And then I feel fucked up because I should know better about feeling guilty.
No one ever tells you about this, that it's common to feel this way. There are definetly times pre and post wedding where people say "oh you just got married you must be so thrilled" and you're thinking "no he's driving me crazy and we have no money and I can't believe I just committed myself to this, what are you talking about" and you just smile and try to put on that look like "we're having sex 8 times a day even though it's 100 degrees in our apartment and we haven't spoken to anyone but each other in 6 weeks"
Anway, it's nice to know I'm not crazy. We've been married 6 months now, so I'm pretty much over the bridal thing. Thank goodness for graduate school! Social activities! (Oh my other favorite fact, was that when people used to get married it was only for around 15 years because mortality rates were so high it someone would die. 15 years is a whole lot different from 60 years with someone). Just wanted to share my talk-show moment of comfort. I have another rant about babies, but that will have to wait for another day. My advice is don't get married until you're 30.
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From:
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From:
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As far as getting married when you're young and broke, well, it worked for my parents. =) They got married at your (er, "our") age and my Dad was a student and my Mom worked as a social worker for the government. And they've been married for over 30 years now. On the babies front, though, they did wait a decade after they were married to have their first child.
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I think it gets most difficult when either you're ready for marriage and the relationship isn't or (more relevant to me) the relationship is ready for marriage and you're not or not quite ready. Because then there's really an internal pull between two things that you both really want and yet its impossible to have both of them so you end up experiencing loss either way. (Hopefully different degrees of loss and that's what helps you make a decision).
As far as being broke there are different degrees of it. I don't mind so much not having enough money to do extra things like go out to dinner or take a trip to the city (although thoes things would be nice), but I hate having to worry if we have enough to pay the next bill. It's especially frustrating to watch Denis for the last month work 6-7 days a week, half of which are 14-16 hour days, at two jobs he doesn't really enjoy and won't help his career, become totally exhausted and still not earn enough to pay the regular bills, nevermind other stuff like going to the dentist (Denis just chipped a tooth and it hurts) and maintainance on the car. And that's with occasional help from my parents and we hate to ask them for more. And December was supposed to be the "good" month in terms of income! January is going to be much much worse. It's just so frustrating. It's obvious why for him and for me too because I feel like I should be doing more to contribute but I don't know how to do that without sacrificing why we're here in the first place.
In terms of solution we just decided that Denis is going to begin to look for jobs in places that are a few hours away. If he finds something that is full-time, professional, and makes enough money to support him living there during the week then I think we'll have to do that. It was really difficult for us to open up to the possibility that we may end up living apart for a while (depending on when he finds something in relation to when I graduate) but how we're living now isn't working. Ironically if he finds something that has weekends off I may end up seeing him more then I do now, and having the financial stability (even knowing what hours he's going to work and how much he's going to make week to week) will bring us both peace of mind.
I feel guilty bitching about this type of stuff because there are so many people who have it so much worse then we do and we're very blessed to have the privilege and education and safety nets that we do. These are just the stresses in my life right now and what I'm thinking about.