Amelia

It's been a roller-coaster day for me emotionally. High point: I got a massage (they had a summer special at the campus health center), and then I met with my adviser which was good, but led to some stressful stuff that I don't want to get into, and then I engaged in some moderate-self-destructive behavior, and anyway.

I think I have something of an emotional hangover from spending so much money on Sunday. The social part was great but spending money sometimes makes me irritable and guilty and sad. Or it could just be hormones. Or that I'm overwhelmed by classes starting. Or the icecream I had for dinner. Yeah, I don't know.

This was capped off when I discovered that my computer is no longer supported by puzzle pirates :( (yes, I cried). It will still work at D.'s computer but if you know how our apartment is set up that is sub-optimal. D.'s solution is to get a new computer. My laptop is three years old and I have been stressed by it's lack of memory, processing stuff, whatever-I-don't-really-know for about a year and a half. But spending more money isn't going to make me feel better. But puzzle pirates. So I don't know.

Dealing with the technology stuff is one area that I have completed delegated in my marriage. It's not that I'm not smart enough it's just that it doesn't seem worth remembering because D. can always deal with it more efficiently, and is working from a greater knowledge base, so he can be is the expert in that area.

But if D. ever dies then I am going to look like such an idiot. Hopefully that won't happen until after singularity (I'm not completely sure I'm using that word correctly) or whatever. Anyway, whenever we get chips in our heads, but then still I know we'll be 60 85 102 and having this conversation:

A: Which chip do I have in my head again?
D: Seriously, you're seriously asking me what chip you have in your head. Seriously. (makes that face, you know the one I mean).
A: I think it's the green one, because you know I had the blue one and it wouldn't do the thingy the way I like it to do the thingy so you bought me the other one for my birthday, it was green right? or maybe red? If I turn around can you check for me.
D: (silence)
A: Are you listening to me at all? Are you still playing that game?
D: I can't believe you don't know what kind of chip you have in your head. (sigh) It's the green one with the red upgrade which is 500 mega-trilion-dino-hurtz
[I can't even come up with convincing tech-speak, so sad.]

Then a few years later D. will die and the kid will come for my regularly-scheduled chip upgrade and this will happen.

tech kid: Ma'am, what chip do you have in your head and which upgrade do you want?
A: uh, I don't know I think it might be blue? My husband dealt with the chips (internal wincing from "my husband dealt with...")
tech kid: Um, sorry, ma'am but there are lots of blue chips do you know the make and model?
A: no, and my husband just died and now I'm a widow and how dare you disturb me while I'm mourning and get out of my house (or floating apartment or whatever)
tech kid: sheepishly leaves

Then I'll cry. And then I'll feel really bad about being rude to the poor tech kid. And then I won't be able to play Puzzle Pirates version 3 Million and I'll miss Denis more and cry more and then I'll have to call the tech kid back and it will be socially awkward.

So I better figure out some of the computer stuff. Cause I really hate it when it's socially awkward.

At least that's how it's playing out in my head right now